K ... is for Karpman Drama Triangle
There is a common pattern that is less than healthy that runs through many relationships. To know that it's a common pattern can bring a great deal of relief to someone who's in the midst of a relationship that isn't working well and can't pin down the reason why. This relationship can be one between friends, family co-workers, clients, or significant others ~ anyone.
If we can recognize the pattern and know it has a name, it will:
A) help us to begin to understand the pattern and
B) help us to heal/eliminate the reason we exhibit this pattern.
This pattern is called the Karpman Drama Triangle, based on the work and observations of Stephen B. Karpman.
The pattern is that we rescue people from their responsibilities, and then we feel victimized, and then we persecute the other person! Persecution can take many forms, such as anger, guilt, blame, martyrdom or ostracizing.
We rescue people from their own responsibilities!
Some ways we do this is by paying their bills, cleaning up their messes, and making excuses and covering for them when they fail to take responsibility for themselves. This is emotionally unhealthy for us as it causes us to suffer from stress and overload that doesn't belong to us. This is emotionally unhealthy for the other party as we are, in effect, stealing from them their obligation to be responsible for the quality of their lives and thereby build a platform of self esteem for themselves.
After we rescue, we then feel used and sorry for ourselves. Poor us, we give and give and no one gives back. (Sound familiar?) Well you know what? We have only ourselves to blame. Self pity is a luxury and a thief of our self esteem. We need to get healthy boundaries up there and strengthen them, primarily for our own sake, but also for the sake of others!
After we rescue and feel used and sorry for ourselves, the next step is to blame and persecute the other party for our feelings. We put on sad faces that say, "Poor me, look what you've done to me." We will subject the other party to anger by yelling or silencing. Or we might ostracize them, cut them off and make them suffer because they took advantage of us. All of these are very destructive, fear inducing emotions and actions.
So rescue, victimization, then persecution. This is the pattern, the triangle.
Another name for this pattern could be the dance of dysfunction. Those of us that grew up in dysfunctional families have learned to do this dysfunctional dance in many of our relationships. We seem to gravitate towards those that will help us complete our dance, and we raise our children to dance it with us.
This dysfunctional dance, this Karpman Triangle, is so sneaky and so ambiguous that it is sometimes very hard to recognize and acknowledge. After all, when we rescue someone, doesn't that make us a good person? Isn't this what society expects and rewards? The answer is no, not if the price is stealing someone's right to be responsible for themselves!
Allow yourself to be responsible only for what is yours to be responsible about, and allow others to manage their own 'stuff'. You'll be amazed at how much healthier and less complicated your relationships become, and how much more peace you'll experience within your Self.
